Saturday 27 February 2010

2 weeks since I blogged, hmm...that's long. Well, it's simply because my life is so boring that I have to accumulate a bit of stories before I post. XD

The main thing that I want to post today is something that is keeping me very down despite my improved results.

Don't know since when I keep seeing this in people's eyes whenever I look at them. Their eyes seem to tell me "You disgust me." True or not, I'm not really sure. But it's super depressing whenever I look at people and they give me that look. This is especially so when I didn't even do or say anything to them. Even if I did, it was most probably unintentionally or was even just a joke. Well, what can I do if it's really so, I can only say "I'm sorry." But, I must argue that everyone hurts another sometimes unintentionally. But I won't continue as it's quite lengthy an argument to begin with.

One other thing that caught me recently: I haven't been smiling.

Last year, Adrian taught me to smile. He said smiling can liven one's spirit. Well, it seems to be very true. During the P's dialogue this week, he said that I got a smiley face. Actually smile can be used to fake one's level of confidence, etc., I think he has mistaken me. But that's not the point. I realised I lost my smile. It seems to take me some time before I can smile heartily in a day. I went shopping today and I found this pencil box to remind me to smile and this book which told me about my personality. I'm a perfect melancholy and peaceful phlegmatic, might as well peaceful melancholy. I'm not sure I appear to be rather melancholy but I know that I've been extremely quiet these days. I asked myself why and I realised it's because I got nothing to say plus the look people keep giving me.

Well, that's about it. I think I need enlightenment. Come to think of it. My age now is the age that determines if one becomes the angel or the demon. I think I'm on the verge to the demonic world. I need enlightenment! Oh well, what is supposed to come will come.

Darn, I want to do homework but my family is playing mahjong! =.=

Goodnight. Will blog once in a while.

Friday 12th February 2010

It's been a while since I last blogged. Yea, finally got the time to blog since it's CNY eve today!

Some happy stuffs over the past few days:

1) I caught up with my chemistry.

2) The orientation was fun and the CG that I was in charge of has very fun people.

3) Science week is a success and finally over!

4) Got more inspired to study econs because of Ms Zeenat.

5) Throat is finally fine!

A few sian stuffs:

1) Keep dozing off in class.

2) The emergency evacuation drill is kinda lame rather than sian because of the college dance.

3) CNY concert isn't that fun as compared to what I got in my Chung Cheng.

Yea, that's about the few things that I have.

Now, it's time for emotional stuffs.

These few days I've kinda been in emo state. I don't know why. Perhaps just too tired or perhaps like what skv says, no confidence. I don't know. These few days, I'm not sure, it seems that the days that passed by me is telling me something. It's as if it's telling me that the world that I'm living in is of darkness. I'm not sure, I keep having this thought that everyone is avoiding me, other than the teachers and some friends of course. I started to wonder, is it because I said something wrongly or did something wrongly. Well, I admit I did. But, that only appears in a few occasions, others were just jokes. I don't know, weird gazes just seem to be firing at me when I look at some people. It makes me wonder if I look like a pervert. It makes me wonder is it because of eczema and then my skin that scares people. I'm not sure. I don't know. Please tell me if my deductions are correct. Having these wild thoughts will really bring me the deepest of darkness. I don't know, one day, I might just lose my sanity and really become a ruthless person. Oh, I realised a few things. Firstly, I cannot bastard people easily for some reasons. Second, pardon for the mushiness, if the world I'm in is of darkness, then my friends, you are the very spots of light that will guide me through the dark. That is why I treasure friendship.

That's about all I feel like pouring out and it really feels great doing so.

Goodnight people.

~Wishing everyone a happy chinese new year, may your studies improve and your health well.~

Friday 29th January 2010

This week has been a tiring week, with 4 hrs of sleep only on Wednesday especially. But overall, it's been great! The orientation was simply just so fun! Like all refinements in case study questions, there are definitely a lot drawbacks this week.

Let's start with the simplest to describe. The orientation. Well, though it's fun and great and understandable for the freshies to not be so enthusiastic, there's this girl, who is a SP, fortunately not in my OG, who is super rude, but as I didn't want to cause too much problems when it's just the 2nd day, I controlled my temper. I believe if Ms Zeenat were to be there, she will roar at this rude girl.

Enough of this rude girl, I trust myself that the next time she's rude, I will go into Ms Zeenat mode.

Now, for some reasons or another, just one action out of pure reaction at any time, any place, pessimistic thoughts come hard at me. Somehow, no matter how hard I try to be optimistic that they aren't thinking in such a way, ten folds the pessimistic thinking hits into my mind. I seriously trust that people won't really think about me in the way I expect them to be pessimistically, but out of no where, the feelings of insecurities just come to me and are persistent. As a result, I have to enter my "cold" mode. But that made things worse. I suddenly think I should enter bastard mode simple because I heard such a phrase on TV: When you are close to someone, you'll never extremely polite to others. It simply means to strangers, as first impression counts, you'll be polite to them. But if you are close, you won't really be so. I guess I have this issue of being too polite when talking to friends and this appears to have a side effect. I guess I'll try being bastardly more often from now on.

Somehow, I feel that my will is getting weaker. I don't know why, perhaps is just because the stress level is building up. I guess I'll need to see the counselor or someone to really help myself get out of this situation. Never in my life, even in O levels, have I felt so weak before.

Fear.

Crap, just received a message to do 4 AQs, really good luck. Goodnight for now. Might be writing on Sunday if not next week. It feels great to pour out my feelings.

~I'm going bonkers soon......~

Sunday 24 January 2010

Today's mom's b'day and I totally forgot about it. A few things to state:

One thing I should be reminded of: Never take 81 to Pasir Ris and then go home from there.

One thing I promise myself: Finish all the homework before orientation begins.

One thing I need: Sleep.

One thing I know about myself: I'm not that likeable like what some people show me.

One other thing I know about myself: I'm selfish.

One thing I'm gonna do: Leave my laptop alone for the next 3 days.

One thing I saw: Pampered kid.

One thing I prefer: Doing things in my own logical manner.

That's about it. Goodnight.

~Let me be......~

Friday 22nd January 2010

Today is finally the end of the week! These few days have been nothing but mugging...great, friday is really so far from monday and monday is so close to friday...what's with the world? Time just seem to pass by so quickly. For some reasons, I got this feeling that I'm kinda avoided by not just one but quite a few people, maybe true maybe not. I suddenly find cheering is so good! It can help me distress when I shout, damn shiok XD Was kinda pissed off by some people recently, but after some thinking, I guess, I have my faults too and I cannot make things go in my way. Shyt, living in this world is like living against current. Push on!

Tired, seriously and badly tired. Tomorrow there's still refreshal camp, hopefully no house meeting after that, got a lot of homework to do. Nights.

~Sleep! I need sleep!!!!~